Miscellany Monday {relationship edition}

Well hello, Monday. Fancy to see you again so soon.

How was your weekend kids?!

Mine went by super duper quickly - anyone else have this problem?!

The lovely thing about today is that we have Miscellany Monday {relationship edition} to look forward to!

Shall we...

1. Being in my late twenties, trying to find time to date...is a challenge, to say the least. Just sayin.

Source: None via Christelle on Pinterest

2. Part of me in so envious of Ashley on the Bachelorette. It's so simple, right now. You have 25 dudes vying for your attention - wanting to be with you. {maybe not for the right reasons, but thats beside the point} It'd be nice to have 25 guys in front of you and for them to be continually trying to prove themselves to you. Yes, it'd be difficult making decisions as to who stays and goes - but the hard part is done for you. Meeting them. Finding them. {Whether or not it works out for her in the end is a different story entirely ;)}

3. I think I'm old fashioned in my way of thinking with dating. I want a guy to find me. I want him to pursue me. I want him take me to dinner. I want him to kiss me good night. I want him to call {yes, call not text *gasp*} me the next day and say he had a really nice time and wants to see me again soon. {I realize that's not how it works always. I realize that's not how I work sometimes. But it's nice to imagine.*sigh*}

4. It's such a good feeling to be able to tell someone who was a huge part of your life for awhile that you are genuinely happy for them and so proud of them.

Source: fromme-toyou.tumblr.com via Helena on Pinterest

5. I think it's shitty {excuse my language} when you can't be civil with an ex. I realize that perhaps the parting ways weren't the best - but why must we forget that at one point this person did mean the world to you... so why be nasty? Life is too short, ya know? By this time in our lives we are all adults. Things happen, people cry, but eventually life goes on. There's no reason that two grown adults can't be nice to each other whether they parted on good or bad terms. I'm not saying you should be best friends with all of yours exes, of course not. That's crazy talk. But you should still be able to be in the same room without killing each other.

6. I'm not jaded or bitter when it comes to relationships. I used to be. But I've realized that people get hurt, lessons are learned, but thats no reason you can't have fun along the way. Each guy I've dated was a part of my life for a reason - they taught me something about life, love, or myself. And I've realized that now. And I'll be enternally grateful to them for that.

Hope y'all have an amazing day!

Love always.

Chapter 6 -- The most bittersweet moment.

The most bittersweet moment.

Much of the years we spent together are a blur to me. Not because they weren't amazing... but because we were together for a while, and it was good. We didn't have anymore drama than the next couple. But right around the time of my best friend, S's wedding is when it all becomes much more vivid. Everyone was talking weddings, breathing weddings, dreaming weddings... and me, being a lover of weddings and all things girlie... should have been right there with everyone.

But I wasn't. I couldn't breathe.

Everyone kept saying, "When you and E get married...", "Do you think he's bought the ring?", "Are you excited to get married soon?"...yea, we talked about marriage and I absolutely thought he was the one. But suddenly, things didn't seem so clear to me.

I watched S get married, and was so elated for her. However, it was in the moments of me watching her walk down the aisle that I knew I wasn't ready. It was one of the most bittersweet moments... celebrating her wedding and the beginning of their life together... and feeling the end of my relationship... all in the same moment. {and no, this wasn't an open bar wedding - I couldn't soothe the pain with whiskey. I just had to bare it, like a big girl.}

And not only that I wasn't ready, but that E and I were falling apart. We started fighting, more than usual. The stress of life was starting to catch up with us, and I didn't know if we'd make it through. There wasn't infidelity, lies, or disrespect. {And to be honest, somedays I wish there were... it'd had been easier if there was a clear cut reason.} But the truth of the matter was... I was 24. Just out of college. In the middle of a job in corporate America. And figuring out who I was. And I was selfish.

It was about a month after S's wedding that we finally breached the end. We both knew it was coming. He felt me pulling away, it was a daily struggle as to what was right and wrong. I can remember that day clearer than I can remember yesterday. We were sitting in my living room... and he just looked at me and asked what was going on? The tears started pouring out, and all I could say was "I don't know..." {to this day, I wish I had a better answer. But I didn't... I just didn't know.} I explained to him that I just needed some time to think. {which is such a cop out...} It wasn't that I didn't love him anymore. Because I did. I was still attracted to him. He was still amazing. But I was lost... within myself. And explaining that to someone who you at one point thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with... isn't easy. We cried a lot that night... I cried a lot the next few weeks.

And everyday I wanted to run back to him and apologize and fix everything. But I couldn't. I knew I had to deal with myself first.

But the amazing thing was.... he never hated me for hurting him. {yes, he was angry at me. and we didn't speak for weeks following.} He never shut me down, never hung up on me when I called him sobbing because I needed him. He never, ever let me down. Even years after the fact. And to me even still, it's amazing. I can't begin to tell you how many times over the last 4 years that I have called him or emailed him to cry about something {and he likewise}. He never failed to always listen and be there for me.

But one day, like all amazing guys do... he met his wife. He called when he bought the ring to tell me he was going to propose to her. {he knew I'd freak out a bit if I found out some other way.} Did I want to see him walk down the aisle with someone else? No. But could I do anything about it? No. I had been through other relationships throughout those 4 years... but when the end of a relationship would roll around... I'd always go back to that moment and think... "maybe it's karma. maybe I was supposed to be with E. And I screwed that all up..."

He walked down the aisle about 8 months ago. I was so happy for him, so glad he found a woman to appreciate him. I was just happy that he was happy. I have never harbored ill feelings towards him, he will always be one of the most amazing people I've ever known. But I couldn't expect him to stay mine forever. I couldn't expect him to wait around for me and to one day want to be with me again. That isn't fair. I had used up all my lifelines with him.

My story didn't end the way I had thought it would in the beginning. It didn't end with a pretty white dress. But it did end with lessons learned and memories sweetened with time... and sometimes... that's all you can really ask for.

Happy Friday, dolls.

Love always.

Chapter 5 -- I love you.

I love you.

It was such a whirl-wind once we were finally together. It was almost hard to get used to. When you are constantly fighting for something for so long and you finally get it... you have to pinch yourself to make sure it's real. And it was.

We began dating in April {my brother's birthday to be exact} and by summer we were already in love. I think I had fallen in love long before then... but I tried to play it a little smart. I remember my birthday so vividly that year. He had planned this fun day trip to Athens to hang out with a couple friends of ours. We went down and milled around all day and just had a nice time. He then took me back to my parents house where they had all planned a surprise party for me {which was so awesome!} my girls from college were there, family, E. It was just perfect. It was the little things like that that made me so grateful for him, it made me grateful for everything we had been through. It brought us there.

It's hard to imagine how many miles our cars travelled that summer. {and the years thereafter} Our entire relationship was long distance {ish}. Always at least an hour away from each other... it was trying. It caused fights. But in the end we both knew if that were the least of our problems, we really couldn't complain. One of our favorite things to do was to just get in the car and drive... with no destination. We found so many fun places, created so many memories, and really got to know each other during those times. I'm still thankful for them, those are the memories I look back on now and smile.

My family loved him, my friends loved him, it was as if the stars had finally aligned. For so long we didn't have drama, we didn't fight. We just simply enjoyed finally being with each other. We settled into our life together and I honestly believed he was the guy I was going to marry. {You know when you are little and you envision walking down the aisle but the face of the groom is always blurry? Yea, it wasn't anymore.}

For the next 3 years, we lived them flawlessly. We had a routine, we knew what made us work...what didn't. He supported me and my dreams, watched me graduate college, watched {and endured} me beginning my first "big girl" job. And I did all the same for him. During those crucial moments of our lives, we were both there for each other. He was one of the best friends I had ever had, knew me like no one else ever could. We started planning the wedding and our life together. {colors, times of year...how many kids we wanted, their names...} I was one of the lucky ones, I had found this amazing guy who put up with my antics, who loved me to the depths of his soul, he would have given me the moon and stars had I asked for them. So many people spend their life searching for another half to make them feel this loved... and I had it.

But I took it all for granted...

You're gonna need that wine next week, maybe two bottles.

Happy Friday, lovelies.

Love always.

chapter 4 -- dear diary.

dear diary.

This is taken directly out of my journal so many years ago…

April 9 @ 1am.

Oh the drama. E and I are completely finished - well finished for E an I; which means he’s miserable and I fuel that fire because I know exactly how to. He’s decided to go back to C despite everything - and I told him - either way you’re going to sacrifice something. If you go back to her, I’m gone because I’m just not playing this game anymore. So that’s what he did. And now he’s living with this mistake he made. Saddest part of all - he knows he made a mistake. He’s tells me, ‘You’re such a huge part of me. I miss my best friend. Every time we say goodbye I lose a piece of me…’and I believe he’s that miserable - but he knows what has to do to fix this. I know I’m doing the right thing - as hard as it is. I’ve sucked it up and realized that if I put E on the back burner my life doesn’t have to revolve around him….

May 2 @ 2:06am

Oh how things have changed. The V (random boy I met) thing was very short lived. We’re back to E. He and I are actually officially dating. At first I was very apprehensive and scared and nervous and every other emotion possible towards it. It’s me and E. Together. Finally. It’s a VERY overwhelming situation. I had tried for over a year to show him he’d be happier here. I stuck by him through everything, including when I probably shouldn’t have - but I did. I care so incredibly much about him, it’s unreal. And I never really realized how much a part of me he is. Not until there comes a point where I should walk away. But after seeing everything and how he was with C - it does make me nervous, but gives me the upper hand because he can’t lie to me. And he tells me EVERYTHING. But right now I’m so happy. I mean I think I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long. It just feels right and real and natural. I feel like we’ve been together for a lot longer than we have. I hope and pray that this doesn’t get screwed up. I also think it’s a huge sign that we’re still here after so long. I just have so much going on inside my head right now about me and E. All I know is right now it feels right. Tonight the “My Immortal” song came on - for some reason it nearly brought me to tears - it reminds me of how much we really have been through and actually survived. I think as a couple, E and I are very strong. I can see us together for a while and this being even more serious than it already is…

This was a little intermission from the story {just to keep you waiting for next week}. Sometimes it's even difficult for me to recall everything. I was talking with E the other day and he was reading my blog {yup, I showed him - I thought he'd enjoy a little walk down memory lane...and, he did.} he told me it was funny to read it because he had forgotten so much over the years...

You will hear a lot from my journal. It’s how I can accurately recall the stories...

What will happen from here? Come back to find out.

Happy friday, loves!

love always.

Chapter 3 -- The first kiss.

The first kiss.

You know that moment when you kiss someone and the world around you stops? That’s the moment I had when E and I kissed. It scared me more than anything else. There I was, falling for this amazing guy who wasn’t even available. Throughout the year that we had been talking and getting to know each other he and C got rockier and rockier. I knew in the back of my mind that I should run, I had known that all along, but something wasn’t letting me. I was so drawn to E. In ways I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was the chase, the never knowing, and the romantic notion of it all. I don’t know what it was; I just knew I was falling.

Towards the end of that year of ups and downs he and C finally ended things. She had found out about me and I had become tired of waiting. So many times I threatened to walk away and to leave everything we had built – and so many times I was pulled back in. Right or wrong; all I wanted was to be with him. But sometimes, even all the want in the world can’t make things happen.

Yes, they broke up. But then they got back together a week later. I was done. I (foolishly) had invested so much of my time, energy, and heart into someone I thought wanted me too. In those final days of that year, I was broken. He and I had become the best of friends, soul mates really. And in a snap decision, he lost it all.

I can still remember that weekend vividly even though it was so many years ago. He had hesitantly told me that he and C had gotten back together. {Remember that theory? It still holds true, at this point they weren’t happy at all. They were going through the motions because that’s what they had done for so long. They were that comfortable, misery relationship that they didn’t know how to survive without – good or bad.} I didn’t speak to him for a while. I had to think of my words carefully. Whatever I was going to say had to be meaningful.

Once I got over my initial shock and decided what I wanted to say, I explained to him that that was it. We weren’t to speak anymore. He had made his choice and I couldn’t continue down this road any longer. I couldn’t allow him to have his cake and eat it too. It was destroying everything I had once believed to be so special. I was hurt, but we were through. The friendship, the hopes of a relationship, the connection – over. We cried. But I wasn’t going to do it anymore.

Cut to 2 weeks later – E and I still hadn’t spoke. I was serious about it being over; I had been through too much by this point to just let it slide. So you can imagine my surprise when I receive a phone call from him. He tells me they broke up again, for good he claims. He asks if we can make amends, if we can fix things, so I simply say to him that if he means what he’s saying, if he wants to fix things with me – he will come see me for the weekend. (He went to CSCC and I went to BG, so he a nice 2 hour drive) I then hung up the phone and had no idea what to prepare for. Would he bitch out like he had so many times before? Would he man up and decide that it was me he wanted to be with?

Three hours later I get a phone call and he tells me to come downstairs to the lobby – there he was with lilies (my favorite). And in that moment I knew how much he cared about me. I knew how much he wanted to be with me, I knew he conquered his fear of the unknown to take a chance on me. It meant the world, and in all honesty - that romantic gesture still warms my heart today; makes me believe in love despite the bullshit.

On that rainy, spring day a new relationship bloomed (cheesy, right?). We went from being J and E, two kids getting themselves in way too deep – to being J and E, period.

{Theory #2 – what’s meant to be, will always find a way in the end. I do believe that, I believe that it won’t be an easy ride. That there will be moments when it seems more like work than anything, but with love and persistence anything is possible. If it lies within your destiny, you’ll get it. As long as you’re willing to fight like hell.}

Did you finish your bottle of wine? ;) Go get another. This is only the beginning…

Have a good one, dolls!

Love always.

Chapter 2 -- 6 hour phone call.

6 hour phone call.

As you can imagine the thought of E having a girlfriend didn’t sit well with me. I was at a loss, I didn’t know how to handle the situation anymore. I was torn. One part of me knew that if we continued talking and getting to know each other I was on a dangerous (and also wrong) path to getting hurt or hurting someone else. The other part of me (the hopeless romantic with a strong belief in “movie” love part) thought that maybe he was the “one.” That there was a reason we met and connected the way we did.

So what did I do?

E and I continued to get to know each other. We talked everyday, he told me about his girlfriend - he never hid it from me. Which I respected to an extent, but I also knew at the same time that I was treading on thin ice. {As a side note - I do not condone the behavior of E and I. But as I have come to learn, none of us are perfect and there is no such thing as “perfect timing.” I have many other thoughts on this and situations similar - but you have to wait for those. Continue reading at your own risk.}

Anyhow, E and his girlfriend, C, weren’t doing too well (shocking, I know!). They had been having issues long before he and I ever met.

{Theory #1 - You don’t just happen to meet and become attracted to another person without reason. If you are married, dating, or in some sort of relationship and you meet someone else that you can’t stop thinking about - there’s a reason. And it’s not always the obvious one (sex). It’s that something is missing in your current relationship; whether it be a deep emotional connection, someone to be silly with, someone to enjoy the same activities as you, a spiritual connection, or even a sexual connection. Something is missing. And when you by chance meet someone who fulfills that missing piece - it’s hard to tear yourself away. Essentially, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You don’t want to leave the person you’re with because they’re so important to you, but this new person is so intriguing. It becomes complicated, and in all honesty, you can’t really judge the situation until you are placed in it. Until you know that feeling.}

E and I would spend hours upon hours on the phone each night. We quickly became best friends. We had an instant connection and it ran deep. I knew it was only a matter of time before it became that complicated situation that I was talking about - and it did. Quickly. After a few months of talking to him daily, I started to develop feelings for him. Yes, I should have ran right then and there. But I didn’t. Throughout the next 365 days, 12 months, 1 year we went through a lot of rocky moments. We fought, we laughed, we cried, we kissed (and that was the moment I knew).

“Knew what?” You ask… I guess you are just going to have to come back to find out. So if you haven’t judged me too harshly and are still interested in the story, check back. Pour another glass of wine. (I think I need one too!)

Have a good weekend kids!

Love always.

Story time. Introduction. Chapter 1.

Introduction.

Dating. Relationships. Courting. Friends with benefits. They’re all a form of being with another person; having a connection with someone that is beyond platonic. We have all been there. All been through amazing relationships. Been through relationships that have broke us into a million pieces. Relationships that come and go so quickly that we don’t know quite what hit us. And relationships that just leave you speechless.

This is me, a single girl, in her late twenties, living in the city, working full-time, and trying to balance friends, family, and the dating world.

It’s been a rough year for me in the dating world. Learning the lessons that I have, I’m not complaining because they have made me who I am, but regardless, it hasn’t been easy. And in this world of blogging and online journalling - I thought why not share my experiences with the rest of the world?

These are the lessons I’ve learned, some the easy way - but most the hard way. They are the stories that have helped shape me into the person that I am. They are the experiences that have opened my eyes and hardened my heart.

Here we go, kids. Pop some popcorn. Pour yourself a glass of wine and ride along with me while I share with you the good, the bad, and the…huh?? of my dating life...

Chapter 1. Drink, Bitch.

That’s how it all began.

I know, you’re thinking - “What the hell? How does that phrase begin a relationship?”

Hold tight kids, it gets better. This is one of the most amazing, sacrificial, destructive, and lengthy relationships that I have been through. Meet E.

E and I met when I was a sophomore in college. I had gone home for the weekend with one of my roommates. She had decided to invite a few people over (E being one of them). We were drinking, playing games, having a good time. Nothing harmful or illegal - just good solid fun. A mutual friend of ours had told me that E thought I was “hot” (so high school, right?) however, that was enough for me to want to hang out with him for the evening. After we were formally introduced we began a drinking game - in which he said to me - “drink, bitch!” (of course, he was smiling and completely joking about the bitch part - well, at that time anyhow…)

We hung out the whole night - talking, laughing, and starting to get to know each other. We exchanged numbers and things felt really nice. You know that feeling you get when it’s like the stars are aligning and everything is perfect in the world? Yea, that’s how it felt that night. We just got along so well, like we had known each other for years. It was so easy. That evening that “easy” feeling was something I was so grateful for - but in the coming months and years it became something that was almost a curse for us - for the world around us.

I know, so far it sounds like something every girl wants - to meet this amazing guy (did I mention he was deliciously hot??) and to hit it off so well and so quickly. What more could I have possibly asked for? Boy, do I wish it had been that easy, that may have changed everything.

But truth is, E had a girlfriend. I didn’t find out about her until a few days after we had met - which was ok(ish) by cheating standards because we hadn’t done anything wrong, just talked a lot and exchanged numbers. He was also 2 hours away from me…

What will happen next? You will have to come back to find out. Pour yourself another glass of wine - it only gets better from here...

Happy Friday, Dolls.

Love always.

*I will be posting the continuation of the story every Friday... until I run out of story to tell... or get bored... or offend too many people... ;)