Friday, May 6, 2011

Chapter 6 -- The most bittersweet moment.

The most bittersweet moment.

Much of the years we spent together are a blur to me. Not because they weren't amazing... but because we were together for a while, and it was good. We didn't have anymore drama than the next couple. But right around the time of my best friend, S's wedding is when it all becomes much more vivid. Everyone was talking weddings, breathing weddings, dreaming weddings... and me, being a lover of weddings and all things girlie... should have been right there with everyone.

But I wasn't. I couldn't breathe.

Everyone kept saying, "When you and E get married...", "Do you think he's bought the ring?", "Are you excited to get married soon?"...yea, we talked about marriage and I absolutely thought he was the one. But suddenly, things didn't seem so clear to me.

I watched S get married, and was so elated for her. However, it was in the moments of me watching her walk down the aisle that I knew I wasn't ready. It was one of the most bittersweet moments... celebrating her wedding and the beginning of their life together... and feeling the end of my relationship... all in the same moment. {and no, this wasn't an open bar wedding - I couldn't soothe the pain with whiskey. I just had to bare it, like a big girl.}

And not only that I wasn't ready, but that E and I were falling apart. We started fighting, more than usual. The stress of life was starting to catch up with us, and I didn't know if we'd make it through. There wasn't infidelity, lies, or disrespect. {And to be honest, somedays I wish there were... it'd had been easier if there was a clear cut reason.} But the truth of the matter was... I was 24. Just out of college. In the middle of a job in corporate America. And figuring out who I was. And I was selfish.

It was about a month after S's wedding that we finally breached the end. We both knew it was coming. He felt me pulling away, it was a daily struggle as to what was right and wrong. I can remember that day clearer than I can remember yesterday. We were sitting in my living room... and he just looked at me and asked what was going on? The tears started pouring out, and all I could say was "I don't know..." {to this day, I wish I had a better answer. But I didn't... I just didn't know.} I explained to him that I just needed some time to think. {which is such a cop out...} It wasn't that I didn't love him anymore. Because I did. I was still attracted to him. He was still amazing. But I was lost... within myself. And explaining that to someone who you at one point thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with... isn't easy. We cried a lot that night... I cried a lot the next few weeks.

And everyday I wanted to run back to him and apologize and fix everything. But I couldn't. I knew I had to deal with myself first.

But the amazing thing was.... he never hated me for hurting him. {yes, he was angry at me. and we didn't speak for weeks following.} He never shut me down, never hung up on me when I called him sobbing because I needed him. He never, ever let me down. Even years after the fact. And to me even still, it's amazing. I can't begin to tell you how many times over the last 4 years that I have called him or emailed him to cry about something {and he likewise}. He never failed to always listen and be there for me.

But one day, like all amazing guys do... he met his wife. He called when he bought the ring to tell me he was going to propose to her. {he knew I'd freak out a bit if I found out some other way.} Did I want to see him walk down the aisle with someone else? No. But could I do anything about it? No. I had been through other relationships throughout those 4 years... but when the end of a relationship would roll around... I'd always go back to that moment and think... "maybe it's karma. maybe I was supposed to be with E. And I screwed that all up..."

He walked down the aisle about 8 months ago. I was so happy for him, so glad he found a woman to appreciate him. I was just happy that he was happy. I have never harbored ill feelings towards him, he will always be one of the most amazing people I've ever known. But I couldn't expect him to stay mine forever. I couldn't expect him to wait around for me and to one day want to be with me again. That isn't fair. I had used up all my lifelines with him.

My story didn't end the way I had thought it would in the beginning. It didn't end with a pretty white dress. But it did end with lessons learned and memories sweetened with time... and sometimes... that's all you can really ask for.

Happy Friday, dolls.

Love always.


  1. so beautiful written! thanks for sharing. :)
    have a wonderful weekend, friend!

  2. How heartbreaking, yet you put it so beautifully. You are incredibly strong and wise. It seems as if you both were feeling it was time to say goodbye which is good so it didn't hurt y'all as much.
    Someone will show up in your life soon! If not, then rock your singleness, it's quite a blessing in many ways if you embrace it. :)
    Much love x

  3. sometimes those "amazing guys" that meet their wife wish they would have understood what they had before....

  4. Hey honey...This is really endearing. It's rare to have people pour their hearts out in posts and I really appreciate you sharing this with us. It sounds like you made the right decision and should be proud of yourself.

    If you get a chance, check out my post today, we're doing a novel release party about the release of my first book! I'd love to have you stop by and be a part of the party! Have a fabulous Fashion Friday love! Kori xoxo

  5. you write very beautifully! this definitely was from the heart and i love that.

    even though it didnt turn out as planned, at least you grew from it, and that's what's supposed to happen!

    have a very lovely weekend!

  6. You need to write for a living...I am sitting here with tears in my eyes from this post. Thank you for sharing this story in several chapters, it has been a pleasure to read!

    Have a wonderful weekend girl :)

  7. So moved. Having three daughters all in relationships at different stages I could see them and their ups and downs through your writing. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us.


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